Forgiveness

Nearly the end of the year 2018… What a year, what a ride!

This year, I have been pushed in all directions which is not entirely different from the past previous years to be honest, but what has really been testing me is forgiveness…

For 42 years, life has been pretty cruizy with me in terms of having to forgive. Sure enough, I had the occasional fall out or heartbreak but never had I been pushed in one corner having to face forgiveness as of late.

Firstly, I had to face that my vision of reuniting my scattered family in one place wasn’t gonna happen. I tried all options and bent over backwards for it to happen but at the end of the day, I was the only one trying to make it work. It was all too hard for everyone else and I had to accept that reality,.. Which saddened me immensely at first, but then realised soon after that I had to forgive them for not wanting the same thing as me. The initial stage was a tapestry of complete nonunderstanding, followed by anger which slowly dissipated leaving me alone with having to forgive…

Don’t get me wrong! These last few steps were not as simple as just described… they took a LOOOONG time and each and every single emotions was felt fully to its deepest chore. I am an advocate of feeling it right to the bottom of it, without seeing it as a nice spot to stop and indulge in the pain (let’s face it, us humans love some drama even if we don’t want to admit it!)… No, this wasn’t the final stop, once the emotion was felt deeply, the walk through it was the essential part to remain sane and healthy!

Feeling it, allowing it, accepting it to finally release it!

This is something only a few of us had some sort of education around. I certainly had none and was told to get over it and get on with it. My emotional intelligence grew over the years since my early twenties, reading books after books of self-empowerment. I also started devouring workshop hoping they would show me the way, when I soon realise that the best workshop was life itself! Plenty of materials provided on a daily basis if we decide to walk that path..

Once that episode kind of faded away and my heart wasn’t feeling like a ton of bricks, the next workshop was lining up for me when I was the least ready for it (Ok, we’re probably realistically never really ready for it, but eh!…. ). A big fall out in friendship came right at me impacting where I was gonna live and giving me a whole new perspective on the community I was a part of. Well, that was a big ouch! Now, when I say friendship, it wasn’t just any friend, it was a sister that I considered as family. Having my blood family across two oceans, I really cherish good friends in my life that I feel fortunate enough to count as my soul family. Yeah, that’s where I got hurt! Straight in the guts and mostly in my tender heart!

Once again, going through all the waves of emotions, allowing them to be utterly felt and washed away while focusing on my studies and get masses of contents into my brain… That was a bit of an interesting ride that one! Most of the time, I would be so busy trying to squeeze some Anatomy or Botany into my head, I didn’t really have time to spend much energy on the emotional drama. But then, a big wave would come and crush me as a Tsunami would, leaving me with nothing but the intensity and power of whatever needed to be felt at the time.

So here I am, sitting with it all at this end of this year, contemplating how big it’s been but also being completely honest with where I am at right now. Looking into all the areas in my life where I need to forgive myself and how to do it but also, being really authentic about what is happening within myself. My body is still saying no when it comes to meet up and discuss things and I fully honor my body inner wisdom and respect its pace. Asking for forgiveness of others and self has become a daily practice after my meditations and as a wise Buddhist once said:

“If you can’t forgive right now, forgive yourself for it”

So, if you find yourself reading this and resonating with the fact that you’re not ready to forgive, give yourself a hug and tell yourself you’re doing well cause you probably are! And keep checking: do you just want to punish the other or do you sincerely need more time to be able to forgive?

And whatever the answer is : FORGIVE YOURSELF